Battle of the Books

I stopped reading books in high school. The only times I was forced to go and pick up a book were during lit class, research breaks and book reports (duh). It's not that I was deprived of the resources to get me all excited and ecstatic during visits to bookstores and book sales. In fact, my family's not short of the materials I would be hypothetically interested in.

Mia Thermopolis has been hibernating in my sister's room since the 00s. Newberry Medalists and The Classics have been sleeping with my Noli Me Tangere, El Fili and Ibong Mandaragit, in the farthest corner of my empty book cabinet. Beverly Cleary and Roald Dahl, I swear, have become BFFs turned secret lovers. Our home library also serves all variations of Chicken Soup, self-help books and other coming of age finds. We have the "mandatory" collections of the encyclopedia, almanacs, world records and illustrated science dictionaries. While I'm loading up my shopping basket with monthly teen zines, the rest of my family are carrying hardbounds.

Recently however, I discovered treasures that are hidden in Fully Booked shelves. Reads that I would unexpectedly be splurging my money on. It started last month, during a visit to the Gateway Branch for my annual search for the perfect planner. I was passing through shelves and shelves labeled "chic lit", intimidating this girl in her pambahay getup (Gateway's only 1 LRT ride away from Katip). The one thing that made me go "oh wait, maybe there's something here that I can take home and actually like" were the colorful spines of the neatly piled books. You know me, such a sucker for bright colors and cute fonts.

Five visits later, I now own of what I like to call a "budding young adult and pacutesy book collection." It dawned on me that I'm generally interested in stories of Prom nights, Hollywood interns, high school drama and college cliques.

I'm not particularly drawn to the popular or recommended reads, the ones on the top lists and the ones that were made into movies. Except perhaps Nicholas Spark's "The Last Song", you know why. ;) I'm just waiting for the movie cover to be released. I want books that  are worthy reads yet are hard to find. Yung mga cute cute yung cover, tapos habang binabasa mo babalikan mo. Minsan, aamuy-amoyin pa yung book pages. Yikee, ginagawa mo rin yan no? :P

My most recent purchase was just last night. On my way home to the South, I was trying my best to resist from entering Fully Booked but no! Kahit na may dala-dala akong laptop at isang malaking Tokidoki knapsack, go for it pa rin! Twenty minutes into the shop, I was walking towards the counter with Candy magazine on one hand and a Belasen and Osborn read on the other.Never mind kung sakto na lang tong pamasahe ko. Hahaha!

I remember I was into reading when I was so much younger, as in I was one of those nerdy but cool worms in class. Okay okay corny haha. No really, I was even admitted into the Library Club in 5th grade, not because my sister was the club president but because I had one of the highest recorded borrowed books in that school year. Kulang na lang pati dictionary basahin ko e!

Now in college, the renovated Rizal Library is ultimately a haven for book junkies and semi-book junkies like me! Haha! Go straight to the PS-PT shelves, they have the nice ones. :) So if you need me say for an upcoming report or my call time's been bumped up to an earlier time, you know where to find me. But right now, I'll be out with Jenny Green and hunt these jerks from Montreal's Molson Academy.

RSVP

Dear Readers:

This is a product of the bashing and name-calling that was done to an entry posted a couple of days ago. This is not a defense on my part because as I said, I have really nothing to prove to any of you. This is just to make known why I write and write and write, even in a public space, more so, the internet.

I started this blog in 2005. I put this up because of a good friend. She thought I had interesting stories to share that shouldn't be put to waste in our chitchat sessions in the village park. I talked about everything --- my family, my friends, my encounters with boys (not necessarily in the romantic sense), my school, my hands, my eyes. Any thing can tell a story or two. Most of them are the usual happy happy joy joy anecdotes that people seem to know me in this state and in this state alone. There were the selected few that talked about death, pain and failure. These are the entries that made people do a double take and look at me in a 2-D kind of way, because I too have a different side. Hannah Montana said it straight: Why can't I have the best of both worlds?

I am not a schizo (wait, maybe just a little hahaha kidding kidding) but I cry, I get hurt, I disappoint myself too sometimes. In 2008, I had a lot going in my hands. I got into sportscasting, I starred in a stage play, I hosted almost all of the prime events in school, I met a boy. In the same year I got criticized, I forgot my lines, I messed up a part of the program, I got my heart broken so bad I cried myself to sleep for 3 months. When people, friends and passersby, took the time to show that I was read, I was amazed. Someone, I realized, has been listening to me all through these. I felt comforted and motivated to share.

And this is what I strive to continue doing, despite the fact that I deleted four years worth of blogging. I didn't want to forget the things that happened to me nor I am afraid to let people know what I've become before I am this. The happy, smiley, perky, banana dancing girl you see around campus is not a facade, but that is not all to who she is. I am real, I make mistakes. Heck, I can even put on 25 lbs and lose it within the same year!

To the people who know me well, I am the Portia who feels, who gives, who can be, desires to be more. To Ateneans, I am perhaps the Portia of Orsem, of UAAP, of GoAteneo TV, of AMA parties, or simply of Comm. To many of you, I am the Portia who still has to figure out what she's all about. And some have had this impression that I am that homewrecking, third wheel, heartless bitch just because of one entry out of all the things I've shared about me.

Truth be told, I slept last night with a disturbed heart. I wasn't guilty, that's for sure, but as what most of us might have experienced, words can hurt as much as it can heal. I am scarred, marked temporarily with the stereotypes some of you have thrown at me, none of which I truly am. Perhaps I should be more careful with how I share my experiences and that, particularly, was just to exhibit how overwhelmed and surprise I am to be getting all these attention, all at the same time, seemingly from all the mister wrongs. Boys and girls alike get tempted and I would like to look back on that entry to remind me of the steps I've taken, of what might  have possibly happen, of the decision to say, "Don't get me involved in any of this."

I am no angel. I've done my bit of weighing a person by one little wrong she did or said and I've asked for forgiveness. I'm not asking that from you. All I wish for is respect, that you read every entry, as in all journals that you happen to find in the net, with an open mind and with comprehension. Read between the lines, fill in the gaps. I do not have a linear personality in the same manner that I'm still polishing my writing skills.

And so I will continue to write and you will continue to read. I cannot please each and everyone of you. I don't have to.

And so I will continue to tell my stories so people will know I am not all about peace, hope, love, unicorns and rainbows.

And so I will continue to be real --- learning from every flawed cell of my being. In the future, there might be more mistakes. Big or small, I will share in the hopes that someone might find it useful, funny, stupid, insightful, aside from myself.

And so I will.

Neverland

Katipunan is my second home. For four years of my entire college life, I've been dorming in this area where fast cars chase each other at 1 AM, where the new Jollibee has an underground parking lot and where the Teriyaki Boy has cute waiters. I originally thought I'd be phoning my mom now and then to ask Pop to pick me up since my parents practically tucked me in bed until I was 15. Baby damulag, I was. But surprise, surprise, spending three or more consecutive months at the dorm, without actually going home, has not given me an overwhelming case of home-sickness.

I just live down South, an hour's drive from here, but this year has been a wild ride in terms of workload that it was too much of a risk to spend my weekends at home. When I'm in Paranaque, I never get anything done. Haha! At least here, I have three other girls I can compare and share notes with.

High school valedictorian Nikka's corner is a palette of pink, red and purple. She is everything girly --- her overflowing collection of accessories displayed all over, her wardrobe consisting of frills, ruffles and ribbons, and her school notes stamped with Hello Kitty stickers.

Shy and reserved, Nikka is the observer in our room. She sits in her corner almost all the time, looking up from her laptop once or twice just to ask if we're hungry or whatnot (she has an entire cabinet of junk food, chocolates and candies!). On weekends she pulls out her precious jewelries, organizes and cleans them (I tease her "alahera" all the time). When free of encoding assignments, she writes on these little brown Papemelroti note cards which she will be sending out to friends and orgmates the next day. She's the typical kuripot Chinese (We tell her this every time we'd talk about money hahaha), always demanding for options and alternatives. That's Nikka, but I call her the "silent assassin."

Another high school valedictorian slash glee club member, Mich's side can be mistaken for a library. An academic and religious library that is. Like Nikka, Mich is not much of a talker although you know she's got a lot of wise things to say. :)

She normally gets up at 7AM, picks up her Bible and reads for a couple of minutes. She's usually the one who checks in the latest not because she's out partying or drinking in Cantina (Mich's alcohol consumption is beyond negative), but because she attended group study programs and other geeky stuff haha! At night, before she goes to sleep, she recites the rosary silently. Whenever she prays in front of me (which btw happens a lot since our beds face each other), I'm certain I'm gonna burn in hell. That's Mich but you can also refer to her as Mama Mary, as we do, pure and holy. :)

Sleepyhead, silly Cebuana and self-professed Jai Reyes-lookalike, Toni is my sistah from anotha motha! :D I swear, we're like sisters in mannerisms, in likes, in everything! As an only child, she'd always tell me I'd be great as a twin sister. :) Ain't that sweet?

Absolutely the loudest in our room, Toni's laughter literally roars, echoes, travels in the hallways of our small, homey dormitory. You'd think we released laughing gas in the room or she had just sniffed an entire bottle of Rugby, but you know, she's just that way. Even when there's nothing obviously funny about something, as in nada, Toni jeers by herself and throws me this "laugh with me cause you're my friend" look. 1 minute with her is equivalent to 30 minutes with me. Good luck with that! Haha!

And there's me, the original occupant of room 25. Me and my little space, we enjoy our private world through scrapbooking, reading Fully Booked buys and eating Marty's Chicharon.

What takes up my side are mostly shoeboxes (with shoes in them, yes), untouched photocopied readings and stacks of cereal boxes (contents half-eaten). I'm the early bird in this room and probably the next loudest bird, nothing can top Toni's chirps and tweets at any time of the day. They also say I'm the most girly, pointing to my magazine collections of Candy, Teen Vogue and Cosmo.

While Mich and Nikka are doing school requirements, Toni and I would be in Facebook or Youtube, wasting our precious time with insignificant matters. Hahaha! Ep ep ep! But we're not your regular easy go lucky gals. We kick ass when we know we have to and that actually means 80 percent of the time! That's another factor why Toni and I get along so well, we don't pressure ourselves into doing super serious schoolwork. Hahaha! Our QPIs are great but it's a combination of the internet and senior syndrome that makes slackers out of us these past few weeks. Like now, as I type this, Toni totally forgot she had an 11:30 class. :|

Oh the dorm life! We're free, we're fastfood junkies and we only have three months left to make the most out of it! Katip, every Atenean's home away from home. :)

Peter, Paul & Mary

This week has been crazy for me in the flirting department. I'm flattered enough to say that I'm never the one, not even once, initiating the conversations although it makes me feel guilty, really guilty, to be "getting on" (NOTHING SERIOUS ON MY PART JUST SO WE'RE ALL CLEAR) with these guys (plural! ang haba ng hair ko haha) because they're all attached at the moment. Third wheel much? Not really. PLEASE READ WITH AN OPEN MIND.

First there was the former partner in I won't say where because it's too obvious and I know he's reading this. Subukan mong magcomment at lagot ka sa girlfriend mong aktibista! Hahaha! The occasional hi's and hello's became regular "kumain ka na?" or "anong ginawa mo today?" When the text messages became persistent and redundant, I started to feel that there was motive and intent behind all these. Akala mo concerned friend lang, but no! We met up over the weekend for what was supposedly dinner with friends but due to, I don't know strategy (they called it coincidence), it ended up just the two of us. Eh gutom ako so I had no choice but to ahem enjoy (not really) his company. Yun. No actually, nothing will happen. I realized, he got dumped a year ago because of cheating din. I don't wanna be that girl, or any other girl in his life for that matter. I get caught up in these webs easily, I wonder why. It's no fun. Huhuhu.

The second boy was a classmate. Opo, I attended a co-ed school before I came to St. Scho kaya wag kayong magtataka kung bakit at home ako with da guys. Anyway, kinikilig ako dito e kasi we connect. I think I see sparks fly out of my facebook account every time we chat in that network. As in. The funny thing is he kinda admits to this "connection" and "closeness" that we've established since. Ang kyot diba? Hahaha. Try mo kayang basahin yang selected excerpt from our loooooong conversation and I'm sure, mapapa-awww ka. Hahaha! He's somewhere out there, with a kick-ass car to boot! Woooot! You know naman I love boys with cars kasi mine's sooo gay. Imagine me driving a periwinkle Honda City??? Oh Papa (spanish accent), please buy me something rad after grad! Si? Si!!! Hahaha!

He's coming home after a year so when we're both single, why not donut? GO! He always says something during our conversations that we'd both go YEAAAH over the chatline then basta, as in I could feel him smiling through the other end. Cheesy no? Eh kasi naman, maypagka-cheater naman ang girlfriend nya kaya less guilty points for me. And we're not even planning things ha, we're just catching up. Imagine the girl has cheated on him around 5 times already! :| Oh boy, you deserve better! I'm not saying better equals me but I'm that kid going around the Love Clinic with the placard that says, "There's no room for infidelity in relationships!"

The final one, well, is just some guy who's torpe and all. And he's single! Yay! He kinda asked me out na in one of our conversations but sort of took it back after three sentences. Uhm indecisive ka? I wasn't exactly gonna say yes, but I wasn't gonna say no either. I'd just do my funkeh banana dance.

Oh well, two confused friends and one pa-macho effect pero torpe naman pala boy.  I have my morals and values in check, don't judge me. Honestly I "like" people too fast sometimes but hey, it's not like I'm out here playing or breaking people's hearts. Hay nako, basta ako, I'm still that girl who'd go, "Pssst pogi! Pa-kiss!" if I like you. So far, no one has heard from me that recently. So watch out!

Moving On

I NEVER SAID THAT I LOVE YOU
(Setting the record straight, ala-Sam Milby)

Ang paghangang ito
walang hinihinging kapalit.
Ni ngiti.
Ni lingon.
Ni banggit.

Marahil paminsa'y nakakapagod
na ang mga biruang
"Kinakamusta ka raw ni ano" o
"May tulang alay sa'yo si ano" o
"Tignan mo ang blogspot ni ano."

Hot seat kung baga,
parang showbiz lang.

Ngunit sadyang ganyan
ang mundong ginagalawan ko.
Pinapaikot ng matutunog
na balitaan at tsismisan.
At bubulabugin ka lalo kung
itutuloy ang paghangang ito.

May ibibigay pa naman sana ako:
isang personal na talaan,
pinagpuyatan din ng ilang gabi,
kung saan balak iipit ang asul na rosas.

Pero wag na lang,
mukhang makakaabala pa.

Kaya ang mahigit kumulang
tatlong taon na paghangang ito,
ngayon mismo
ititigil ko.

NOTE: Para lang magkalinawan dahil ngayong bagong taon, kailangang magsabi ng totoo. Ano raw??? Hahaha! Sana makaabot sa mga bumabatikos at sa mga usisero't usisera. Kung mabasa mo, okay lang din. Bakit tula tapos Tagalog pa? (Side comment: I know right. Hahah joke lang mga kapatid!) Dahil alam kong ito ang weapon of choice mo. O ha, fighter kasi ako Koya! :)) Anobuuh, nung grade school nasa Poetry Club kasi ako tapos nung High School nasa Creative Writers' Guild ako, English department nga lang. Random fact number 678910 yan! Kita kits sa Arneo! <3